Today is Kobe's birthday party. Five years old! This is the life. Somedays feel long, they feel like I argue, prod, clean up, fix, get frustrated...all day long. It feels like I'm in the trenches. And then I stop and think. I think of these four little boys who need me and who love me and who are not 'getting in the way' of what I need to get done. They ARE what I need to get done. Even as I am going through this time period, I know, I just know that I will look back someday and long for these days. I will long for the days of my boys being litte, being boisterous, of crying for a kiss on their owie, of hearing the words 'Mom, _____ just hit me!' I KNOW I will miss this. So why do I complain about it? Why do I feel like some days will never end? Why do I get so frustrated? Why can't I just relax and ENJOY it?
Lord, please help me to live life now. Please help me to be content and to be thankful in every circumstance. Not a guilty I-need-to-be-thankful thankful, but a truly heartfelt thankful. Lord, please change my heart, please help me parent in view of your eternity. Help me to savour every minute of what you've given me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
In The Trenches?
Should Moms Work Or Stay At Home?
Heather was recently posting about blogging with integrity. A couple of people were offended by a statement she made about working mothers. It wasn't at all the point of the post, but seemed to hit a nerve.
Should moms work or stay at home? It seems to be a hot topic.
Since reading the comments on Heather's post, my mind hasn't been able to rest. I keep thinking about the process that got me to where our family is now...ending with me staying at home with the children.
Before having children, I was certain that I would continue to pursue my career once I became a mom. During a conversation with a stay-at-home mom on the topic, I remember being offended when she said, "Why are you going to have children if you're not even going to raise them?" My prickly and direct response was, "Many moms work. Many children go to daycare and they turn out just fine."
At that point in my life, all I could think about was the blood, sweat and tears it took to get my degree. I was not about to waste all that work on raising children!
After I had Dylan, I dabbled in some contract work. I was trying to get the best of both...working and staying with my little guy. I would work only when he was sleeping and give him my full attention when he was awake. It resulted in the housework falling behind and having to give up far more sleep than I could afford.
I was a new Christian and hadn't yet gotten a handle on the fact that when I made a committment to Jesus, I was saying that I would put my plan aside and follow His. I also didn't think about how much this new Holy Spirit within me would guide me - if only I took the time to ask and to search His desires for me.
I now have 3 children and 1 on the way. I am committed to following the Lord's direction in all facets of my life. I am prayerful about decisions - the little ones and the big ones. 'Pray without ceasing.'
He has answered me clearly on this debate. He wants me to stay home with the children He has entrusted to me. He wants us to be the main influence on our children. He wants us to say no to the money and trust Him. He wants me to look to Him for approval and validation, not to my work. He wants me to obey Him.
Does this require sacrifice?
Yes!
- My 'daycare' costs us around $70k per year. This is the money that I am saying no to when I stay home.
- Some people think my job isn't as important as a 'real' job.
- Some people think I'm wasting my degree.
- I get comments asking if I'm bored. Are you freakin' kidding me?
- There are days when I long for adult conversation.
- There are days when I hear the word 'Mom' and consider replying, "She's not here. She ran away."
But in this all, He has been merciful to me. He has changed my heart - my deep inside - to desire being at home. I do not desire to be away. I do not resent staying home. I desire to be my children's mom. Full-time.
There are some things that I just don't want to ask Him because, if I do, I may have to do something I don't want to. I want to close my eyes, put my fingers in my ears, and hum LOUDLY. "Hmmm, hmmmm, hmmm...I can't hear you..."
The problem with this is that His plans for us may be so much fuller than our wildest-imagined plans. You'll be missing out and not even know it!
So before entering into this hot debate, ask yourself if whatever you're doing - staying at home or working - is your plan or His.
End of debate.
Loss
A sob catches in my throat as you talk.
I look at my life - knowing how much I love it, knowing how perfect it feels. I sit wondering why I am so blessed when others are not.
My friend, thank you for sharing your story. A story of heartwrenching pain. Of the perfectly happy family, so similar to mine. Of your precious child becoming so ill - and then leaving this world far too early. Of your husband following shortly after.
I ache inside just listenening and silently wonder how in the world you ever got through it. Did you scream out to God? Were there days when you just couldn't drag yourself out of bed? How could you possibly comfort your other children when you were aching so? Did you just want to gather up what was left of your family and never let them go?
I will pray for you.
I will be so very thankful for what I have - not take it for granted.
I will show my husband all the love that I feel for him.
I will hold my children tightly and show them a mommy that loves them so.
Embracing Imperfection
In 2000, I started to get sick. They didn't know what was wrong with me. They did all sorts of tests, mostly of my digestive system, only to tell me that there was nothing wrong with me. I kept saying that it felt like my intestines were twisted. I was in much pain, but they insisted I was fine.
I got pregnant with Dylan in the fall of 2001. Once I got pregnant, I was fine. I felt great! When Dylan was 2 months old, it came back. Badly. There were many points when I could not stand up straight because something inside was pulling so hard. At first it was mostly during my period. By 2004, it was for about 3 1/2 weeks out of every month. Many days, I could not pick my precious boy up - it was simply too painful. I was on strong pain medication. I cried when I peed - it hurt. I cried when I ate - it hurt.
Finally, they decided it may be endometriosis. I had an exploratory surgery to see if that's what it was. It was! When the surgeon came to see me afterwards, he told me how bad of a case it was and said that he didn't know how I was even handling the pain. Finally, someone who understood that I was sick - and didn't think I was crazy!
He said that I had much scar tissue - I may not have more children. He said that there was damage inside my uterus, outside my uterus and along my fallopian tubes. He said that the scar tissue (lesions) had attached my organs together. Organs that were supposed to be free-moving were attached to each other. This explained the pain while eating and peeing.
After my surgery, he put me on hormone injections. The point was to put me through a pseudo-menopause to give my system a break from menstruating. The injections caused hot-flashes, strange food cravings and weight-gain (faster than when I was pregnant!)
I was on the injections for a few months before they did another surgery to clean up the mess that was inside me. They cauterized the endometrium and tried to repair a damaged tube. Then they started me on chlomid, which is a fertility drug. They said that my best chance of getting pregnant was right now, while everything was cleaned out.
I did get pregnant - and quickly miscarried. I was devastated! This may have been my one chance.
Three months later, I got pregnant again - with Kobe. The only cure the doctors know of for endometriosis is pregnancy. It doesn't always cure it, but it seems that Kobe's pregnancy did cure me. I have had no pain since.
This was such a tough time in my life. I felt alone - as nobody could find anything wrong with me (and at the time it all started, I wasn't a believer). I was in pain. I thought that if they couldn't find anything wrong with me, I would simply have to get used to living in pain - find a new normal. I was devastated that I may only have one child. It was a dark time for me.
I used to feel subconscious about the fact that I have struggled with my weight since the hormones. I never had to even try to be slender before - it just happened. I used to feel subconscious about my scars from the surgery. I used to feel subconscious about the two stretch marks I have on each thigh from the rapid weight gain (I didn't even get stretch marks from my pregnancies for cryingoutloud!)
I don't feel subconscious anymore. I feel like my body tells a story of what it and I have been through. I have come to be fond of my imperfect body because it's a reminder of some trying times that I've come through. God is good and He has brought me through all of this!
Since my endometriosis trials, I had another pregnancy - Zane's. This pregnancy was placenta previa so I needed a c-section. It has added to the story my body tells. Maybe the future will hold more chapters to my 'body story', I don't know. I do know that I intend to embrace this story and thank God the whole way.
What About When You're Face To Face With Him?
Last night our care group had our best discussion yet. We are a relatively new group and it sometimes takes awhile to get things rolling - to be real with each other, vulnerable.
We were discussing two questions that asked 'Do you allow God to have every area of your life? If not, how would you justify it?' and 'What is the price for your obedience/disobedience to the will of God?'
There was much discussion that came from these questions, some unrelated. Here are some things that really struck me:
1. Areas are not simply 'activities' - building friendships, being a husband/wife, going to work. They include areas of the heart - pride, independence, greed, etc.
2. You need to be willing to hand over every area, every part of you. You should be seeking His will all the time. However, you should recognize that there are parameters around where His will lies. For example, from reading His Word we know that we are within His will if we are 'thankful in all circumstances' (1 Thessalonians 5:18).
This means that just because we are seeking His will, we won't necessarily feel His direction on every little facet of our life. If we aren't feeling His specific direction, that doesn't mean we stop doing anything and wait for Him. (He's not going to tell us that He wants us to get up at 7am, brush our teeth at 7:10am and eat scrambled eggs for breakfast at 7:30am.)
We need to have the freedom to keep living within His general will, while seeking specific direction.
3. One price of obedience may be persecution (2 Timothy 3:12). Caution needs to be exercised, however, when applying this verse to your life. Don't fall into a trap of thinking that you're 'taking one for the team' when there is conflict in your life. Just because we can expect some persecution does not mean that we can chalk any and all conflict in our lives up to this expected persecution. It may well be that the conflict in our lives point to an area of our lives that could use some repentance.
4. When I have conflict, it is so easy for me to justify my actions or my thoughts. "She did this or he did that or I'm right because..." One thing I need to remember is that, someday, I'm going to be standing face to face with Jesus. He will ask me to account for my life. I cringe inside when I think of telling Him the justifications for my behaviour that I tell myself here on earth. "Well, Jesus, she wasn't very nice to me and she hurt my feelings. One time she was talking behind my back and it got back to me. I didn't want anything to do with her after that. That's why I didn't show her love. That's why I didn't tell her about You."
It's embarrassing to think of it. I really don't think He's going to care 'what others have done' to make me act the way I do.
The best care group discussions I've been involved in are always when people apply God's truths to their own life, instead of simply discussing how they were applied to Abraham's, Noah's, Job's, Paul's. Vulnerabilty breeds vulnerability. When we're real with each other, share our struggles, pray diligently for each other, His truths really shine through.
Do You Always Count The Cost?
Our care group is working on a Bible study right now. We are using the book 'Christ For Real' to lead us along.
We've come to the part about counting the cost of being a Christian. What does it cost us? Here are some things that we tossed around:
- A life with Christ cannot be bought, but it's not free.
- You can't buy or earn salvation. You don't inherit it from your parents just because they are Christians. You don't get it because you're a good person or because you live in North America. Each person must reach out to Him.
- It's not free. You have to give up something in order to get it: your will. Daily you need to say, "I'm yours. I don't want what I want, but what You want."
- Matthew 13:44 (the parables of the hidden treaure and the pearl) speaks to me. The men in these parables found something of great value. One found hidden treasure and one found a pearl. Upon their discoveries, they didn't hesitate: They joyfully gave up everything to get that treasure. They didn't count the cost or dilly-dally because they weren't sure. They knew that there really was no cost to give it all up because what they were about to receive was far, far better.
- Why don't we respond to Christ like this? Why don't we joyfully follow him in whatever He wants? Why don't we hand over everything without thinking twice? Why do we fear? Why must we consider it a cost to follow Him?
Opposites Attract?
Bobbie is my childhood friend. She was married 12 years ago to her polar opposite...
Bobbie -
7300
Some days are better than others. This is an 'others' day. Actually, this in an 'others' week.
All three boys have been sick at some point this week. Dylan was coughing so badly on Thursday that he was vomiting. Zane is in the thick of it right now. Kobe is mostly better.
Dwayne had a hockey coaching thing to go to in the city this weekend. That left me by myself with 3 sick children.
This is happening at the same time that the two oldest are enjoying a fighting and teasing spree such as we have yet to experience. It is constant. Constant. Really.
They are wearing me down. I am tired. I am frustrated.
I don't care what the 'experts' say. I'm pretty sure they are doing this on purpose. I can imagine them huddled in a corner together, whispering, "I bet she runs away from home in 3 days." "I give 'er 2, tops."
When I took the children to church this morning, a subtle thought went through my head that told me I was crazy to attempt it, given the week we've had. I should have listened...I didn't. Zane coughed the whole time, I had to take Dylan out 3 times for a talking to, Kobe was whiny and fidgety - I didn't get a thing out of the service. We managed to accomplish one thing - disrupting everyone sitting anywhere near us.
Now, we are home and all in quiet time. I need it most of all. Sitting here, thinking about all of this, I started to calculate.
I will have these little guys living in my home for about 20 years from birth. Each year has 365 days. This means I've got 7300 days with them right here with me. That's 7300 days to love them, hug them, train them, discipline them.
Instead of feeling like they're wearing me down, I need to be thankful for those 7300 days. I need to use them and enjoy them.
I feel better now.
Because You Loved Me
I heard the song Because You Loved Me yesterday. It brought back a couple of strong memories.
The first one...
The Christmas I was pregnant with Dylan (6) I told Dwayne about a CD that I would like for Christmas. It was Women In Music - various songs sung by women. There was another CD that was similar. It was called Women & Songs. I liked both but really wanted Women In Music.
While I was telling Dwayne, he seemed distracted. To make sure he knew which one I really wanted, I said, "The first song on it has Because You Loved Me by Celin Dion." I had my doubts that he even heard me.
Fast forward to Christmas morning...
I'm digging in my stocking and pull out a CD. It's the wrong one. It was Woman & Songs. I'm instantly mad. Not because of the dumb CD, but because he hadn't been listening at all when I had been talking about it.
I went on and on whining about how he never listens to me. I was crying and the whole bit (those darned pregnancy hormones). Imagine a sitcom where the nagging, pain-in-the-rear wife is just chewing her husband out, while sobbing. Not a pretty picture. Not the way I want my husband to see me. But there I was in all my glory.
After I wiped my tears and calmed down, I continued digging in my stocking. What was at the very bottom? You guessed it - the CD that I had wanted.
Gulp.
Not only had he been listening, he said that he knew I liked one more than the other but he wanted to get both for me.
Gulp.
I've got to say that if that would have been him throwing a tantrum being ungrateful, I would have marched back to the store with both of them, gotten my money back, and bought something for myself.
I'm glad he's much more gracious than that.
Second story...
As I said, I got the CD when I was pregnant with Dylan (6). The song Because You Loved Me was the first song on the CD. Whenever I hopped into my truck, the CD would automatically start at the beginning, so I heard that song everytime I got in. I had no other children yet and I loved to crank my music. I listened to that song loudly for the second half of my pregnancy.
Babies can hear in utero. I know this is true. Whenever Dylan was fussy in the truck and that song came on he would stop fussing and listen. He would be crying his lungs out, the song would come on, he would stop and then stare out the window like he was in love. Then the next song would come on and, without missing a beat, he'd be screaming again.
I remember one trip back home in particular. The trip was 6 1/2 hours. About half-way, he'd had enough. He started crying, loudly. For the next 3ish hours we would listen to the song, press the back key, listen to it again. Over and over and over. By the time we got there, we wanted to throw the CD out the window. We weren't sure what was worse...constant crying or enduring that song one.more.time!
I Just Don't Know!
I have always had a need to control everything. I think Websters has a picture of me under 'control'.
Since I was little, I had a very specific plan for my life:
- go to university so I could be somebody important
- get married
- have 2 children - at least one being a girl
- have a great career
The plan did not work out quite as planned:
- I got my degree - in accounting - but no longer feel that having a degree makes anybody smart or important.
- I did get married - to my dream guy. Okay, one thing went according to plan.
- I have 3 children - all boys, all planned. I would love to have one more and it would just tickle me if it was another boy!
- Career? Does that include changing poopy bums and teaching math to a six-year-old?
Not much of The Plan turned out as planned. But you know what? I can look back and thank God that The Plan didn't stick. You see, I have realized that He has things planned for me that I could never have dreamed. And those things...those are the things that I love most about my life! Thank you, Lord!
The thing is I've always needed a plan. A clear direction of where I was going, even if it was changing along the way. I told you - Control Freak.
These days, I am being shaken to the core in The Plan department.
Dwayne has been mill manager at a mill here for 6 years. Steady paycheque, predictable hours. Three weeks ago, the mill shut down. Great employees, great markets, no wood. The mill can't run without wood. We're not sure if this is a temporary thing or if they will secure a wood source, but for now, nothing. No pay, no benefits, nothing.
Am I panicked?
Five years ago, I would have been unable to breathe.
Now? No. Really.
I know that He has great plans for us. This will help His plan in some way.My problem? Our Plan is almost non-existent. Dwayne had been working on a new real-estate development before we knew that the mill would shut down. It is scheduled to be finished late-December. I am still homeschooling, running my online company and day-trading in the TSX (with recent economic-happenings, we all know what an adventure that is right now). Other than that...nothing. Come January 1, we don't have a plan.
So what have we been doing? Praying. Praying that He will reveal what He wants us to do. The idea of mission work keeps revisiting every time we pray.
I am not one of these people who hears God's audible voice. I am the type that will pray and pray and then need Him to hit me over the head with a baseball bat before I know what He's trying to tell me.
I feel that way this time. Is He wanting us to do some mission work? I think so, but I just don't know. We will continue to pray about it and work in that direction for now.
In light of all this, I have been corresponding with the national missions group for our church. Last night he emailed me with some possible work that he had in mind in Mexico or Bolivia. My heart beats faster just typing this. I don't know, Lord, but you're gonna have to do some work in me. Make me braver, help me trust You, because all of a sudden, it doesn't sound so exciting or adventurous. I sounds downright scary!
I realize this post has been rambling and doesn't have much flow to it. It's just coming out how I feel. I needed the chance to just ramble. My apologies to those of you who have endured the entire post! *wink*
I will think about this today...
“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose” (Rom. 8:28 KJV).
Fun & Fancy Free
When I'm by myself and get into my truck, something inside of me changes. I put my sunglasses on, crank the music and singitloudbaby! It doesn't need to be a long trip - maybe only 5kms. I just have a sense of freedom...a sense of youth... a carefree sense of no responsibilities.
I know I hit 30 this year - I know! - but sometimes I still feel so young. Despite the bags that have taken up permanent residence under my eyes, the grey hairs popping up here & there, the waistline that reflects 3 children in a 'shortish' period of time, I still feel like I'm 20. I'm married (for 10 years), I have 4 years of university, I was an accountant, we have investments, but still, I feel like I'm playing grownup.
I remember when Dylan (6) was just a few days old. I was sitting on my parents' couch holding him, thinking, "I wonder when your parents will be here to pick you up." I mean, no one in their right mind would leave a little baby with me forever...would they?
Is it because I am still so terribly in love with my hubby? Is it because I've known him forever and we were so very young when we started dating? Is that why I still feel like a teenager? I don't know.
Anyways...next time you're in Small Town Canada, watch for me. If my husband and children aren't with me, I'll be the old gal dancing and singing while driving my big ol' grownup vehicle. Oh, and give me a wave so I know you don't think I'm completely crazy! *grin*
