I Just Don't Know!

I have always had a need to control everything. I think Websters has a picture of me under 'control'.

Since I was little, I had a very specific plan for my life:

  • go to university so I could be somebody important
  • get married
  • have 2 children - at least one being a girl
  • have a great career

The plan did not work out quite as planned:

  • I got my degree - in accounting - but no longer feel that having a degree makes anybody smart or important.
  • I did get married - to my dream guy. Okay, one thing went according to plan.
  • I have 3 children - all boys, all planned. I would love to have one more and it would just tickle me if it was another boy!
  • Career? Does that include changing poopy bums and teaching math to a six-year-old?

Not much of The Plan turned out as planned. But you know what? I can look back and thank God that The Plan didn't stick. You see, I have realized that He has things planned for me that I could never have dreamed. And those things...those are the things that I love most about my life! Thank you, Lord!

The thing is I've always needed a plan. A clear direction of where I was going, even if it was changing along the way. I told you - Control Freak.

These days, I am being shaken to the core in The Plan department.

Dwayne has been mill manager at a mill here for 6 years. Steady paycheque, predictable hours. Three weeks ago, the mill shut down. Great employees, great markets, no wood. The mill can't run without wood. We're not sure if this is a temporary thing or if they will secure a wood source, but for now, nothing. No pay, no benefits, nothing.

Am I panicked?

Five years ago, I would have been unable to breathe.

Now? No. Really.

I know that He has great plans for us. This will help His plan in some way.

My problem? Our Plan is almost non-existent. Dwayne had been working on a new real-estate development before we knew that the mill would shut down. It is scheduled to be finished late-December. I am still homeschooling, running my online company and day-trading in the TSX (with recent economic-happenings, we all know what an adventure that is right now). Other than that...nothing. Come January 1, we don't have a plan.

So what have we been doing? Praying. Praying that He will reveal what He wants us to do. The idea of mission work keeps revisiting every time we pray.

I am not one of these people who hears God's audible voice. I am the type that will pray and pray and then need Him to hit me over the head with a baseball bat before I know what He's trying to tell me.

I feel that way this time. Is He wanting us to do some mission work? I think so, but I just don't know. We will continue to pray about it and work in that direction for now.

In light of all this, I have been corresponding with the national missions group for our church. Last night he emailed me with some possible work that he had in mind in Mexico or Bolivia. My heart beats faster just typing this. I don't know, Lord, but you're gonna have to do some work in me. Make me braver, help me trust You, because all of a sudden, it doesn't sound so exciting or adventurous. I sounds downright scary!

I realize this post has been rambling and doesn't have much flow to it. It's just coming out how I feel. I needed the chance to just ramble. My apologies to those of you who have endured the entire post! *wink*

I will think about this today...

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose” (Rom. 8:28 KJV).


Anonymous said...

sometimes I look back and rack my brain trying to figure out WHAT EXACTLY my plan was.

I honestly don't remember:-(

annette said...

I know this is different but when I was to move here I had absolutly no idea what i was going to do.. I had no plan and was terrified at first nothing worked out but now It really was the best thing I could have done for me and my kids.I have a great job and my kids love it here...I guess what I am saying is just go with it, it will all work out. And if you are all together it will always be good.. Ive heard people say to others that god won't give you more than you can handle so just remember that

Ana said...

Maybe all of this is telling you what you already know? When I saw you this summer you spoke so passionately about missions. Listen with your heart to what path you are bing taken on. I did that and look at how things have worked out:) Sometimes we need to stop thinking and just feel.

Blessed Mommy said...

I will place you in my prayers. I know this is easier said than done, but let go and let Him lead. Many blessings.

Journeying Five said...

Hi Amy, it is me from the summer holiday in the wheat field. I have been reading your blog and have started my own. I was very inspired by your passion this summer and am confident that God has a plan for you, even if it is unclear. Three years ago we were in a similar place, Rick's job of 9 years was gone and I can confidently say that God saw us through and met us in the hard places. Listen to the song "Blessed be your name" if you have a chance. Praying for you.

Bobbie-Jo said...

God loves you so much more wildly than you could fathom. He won't let you flounder. He will bring His plan about in His way. Instead of fretting (like I constantly am) do what you know you are called to do right now (raise your boys, serve your man), and let Him gently guide you when the time is right.

Remember that annoying saying, "God is seldom early and never late." Annoying saying, but true.