Embracing Imperfection

In 2000, I started to get sick. They didn't know what was wrong with me. They did all sorts of tests, mostly of my digestive system, only to tell me that there was nothing wrong with me. I kept saying that it felt like my intestines were twisted. I was in much pain, but they insisted I was fine.

I got pregnant with Dylan in the fall of 2001. Once I got pregnant, I was fine. I felt great! When Dylan was 2 months old, it came back. Badly. There were many points when I could not stand up straight because something inside was pulling so hard. At first it was mostly during my period. By 2004, it was for about 3 1/2 weeks out of every month. Many days, I could not pick my precious boy up - it was simply too painful. I was on strong pain medication. I cried when I peed - it hurt. I cried when I ate - it hurt.

Finally, they decided it may be endometriosis. I had an exploratory surgery to see if that's what it was. It was! When the surgeon came to see me afterwards, he told me how bad of a case it was and said that he didn't know how I was even handling the pain. Finally, someone who understood that I was sick - and didn't think I was crazy!

He said that I had much scar tissue - I may not have more children. He said that there was damage inside my uterus, outside my uterus and along my fallopian tubes. He said that the scar tissue (lesions) had attached my organs together. Organs that were supposed to be free-moving were attached to each other. This explained the pain while eating and peeing.

After my surgery, he put me on hormone injections. The point was to put me through a pseudo-menopause to give my system a break from menstruating. The injections caused hot-flashes, strange food cravings and weight-gain (faster than when I was pregnant!)

I was on the injections for a few months before they did another surgery to clean up the mess that was inside me. They cauterized the endometrium and tried to repair a damaged tube. Then they started me on chlomid, which is a fertility drug. They said that my best chance of getting pregnant was right now, while everything was cleaned out.

I did get pregnant - and quickly miscarried. I was devastated! This may have been my one chance.

Three months later, I got pregnant again - with Kobe. The only cure the doctors know of for endometriosis is pregnancy. It doesn't always cure it, but it seems that Kobe's pregnancy did cure me. I have had no pain since.

This was such a tough time in my life. I felt alone - as nobody could find anything wrong with me (and at the time it all started, I wasn't a believer). I was in pain. I thought that if they couldn't find anything wrong with me, I would simply have to get used to living in pain - find a new normal. I was devastated that I may only have one child. It was a dark time for me.

I used to feel subconscious about the fact that I have struggled with my weight since the hormones. I never had to even try to be slender before - it just happened. I used to feel subconscious about my scars from the surgery. I used to feel subconscious about the two stretch marks I have on each thigh from the rapid weight gain (I didn't even get stretch marks from my pregnancies for cryingoutloud!)

I don't feel subconscious anymore. I feel like my body tells a story of what it and I have been through. I have come to be fond of my imperfect body because it's a reminder of some trying times that I've come through. God is good and He has brought me through all of this!

Since my endometriosis trials, I had another pregnancy - Zane's. This pregnancy was placenta previa so I needed a c-section. It has added to the story my body tells. Maybe the future will hold more chapters to my 'body story', I don't know. I do know that I intend to embrace this story and thank God the whole way.


Jackie said...
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Jackie said...


First off, thank you for inviting me to be a part of your blog. I wasn't fishing for an invite, I really did just want to say hi, but I am honored that you are letting me have a peek into your journey!

I can only imagine how tremendously difficult this time was for you. But in looking back you can see that God had His hand on your the entire time. I am so encouraged in reading your story...I know everyone's circumstances are different, but it just inspires me so much to know that you have gone through this, but have come out on the other side. And that even though you have struggled, you have been so blessed.

Jackie @ Our Moments Our Memories

Anonymous said...

How much you suffered and still are fine with everything. I am so proud and in awe of how you have handled your journey. take care. Love Grandma.