This is a real, live photo of what I saw earlier this week...
This time I'm not sure what to think.
.
Every other time I've been so excited. This time I'm anxious.
.
I don't know if I'm cut out for what it takes to raise 4 busy children.
.
I had always wanted two children - ever since I can remember. When I had surgery for endometriosis, the surgeon told me that my reproductive system was quite damaged. He said I may not be able to have any more (we only had Dylan at the time).
.
As soon as I heard those words, I wanted a whole houseful. We have been blessed by 2 more since then.
Zane (14 months) was born by c-section. I asked the ob/gyn to check out the endometriosis situation while he was in there. He did and said that one of my tubes was not functioning and that I would probably only ovulate from the other side. This would cut the chances of pregnancy to 50%. If we wanted more, we should get on it.
The thought of having another so close just scared me. We thought that maybe that was it. Three is good, right?!
Since then, we've waffled. I mean, really waffled. Our birth control techniques were lax to non-existant, depending on how my mothering day had gone. Some days I thought I would really enjoy having another. Other days were simply so very busy. Because of my damaged tube and our fertility history (I conceived Kobe finally on fertility drugs), I wasn't all that worried - or confident (depending on how I was looking at it that particular day).
In my mind, my family doesn't seem complete with three. The thought of having 4 older children causes my heart to dance. The problem is that to get to be older children you've got to raise 4 young children. That's hard work. That's busy. That's tiring exhausting .
I have to say that we've prayed this should-we-try-again-or-not-thing through a million times. I'm so glad that God's in control and not me. I don't even know what I want, let alone know what's best. I also have to say that raising 4 small children can't be that bad. I mean, nothing a few tears and many prayers can't fix.
Proofreading this post, I realize how very ungrateful I sound. I considered scrapping the whole post. I'm not ungrateful - I am very thankful for the blessings the Lord has given us. I love my life. I love my children. I enjoy my days as stay-at-home-mom. I enjoy playing with my children, watching them grow, loving them. I want to be a great mom and that's why I waffle - I just want to do a great job.
Jackie - You are the single person in the world who is authorized to read my blog. I pulled it off-public so that I could be real and journal personal thoughts without feeling like someone may judge me by what I'm feeling on a particular day (like today) or without hurting someone. I know your struggles and I'm sorry. I'm sorry if you feel hurt by this post - by the fact that I'm pregnant or by the fact that I seem ungrateful. I want you to know that I am praying for you. I just know how you feel - even though it seems so bizarre now. I will pray for your fertility, for your peace, for you to curl up into His arms and sob when you need to. Bless you.
Queen To My 3 Boys...And A Baby!
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6 comments:
Oh, my friend.
First...I am honestly, 100% THRILLED for you. Truly.
And no, no, no. You DO NOT sound ungrateful. I would never think that for a second.
In my recent post, that was sort of my whole point...everybody has a different situation that they are walking through, that they basically have no control over...but God does. And so I never want whatever I'm going through to dampen anyone else's experience. And as far as you sounding ungrateful...you don't. You are reacting to your situation, processing it, trying to figure out how you are going handle it. I get that. (And by the way...yes...tons of hard work...but I KNOW you can do it. You are an awesome mom.)
I am grateful that you are allowing me to be a part of your journey here, and I am so glad that you wrote this authentic post, and just laid it out there how you are feeling. If at any time you feel like you can't be real because you know I'm reading, then please tell me and I'll smile and leave, because I think it's SO important to have a place where you can just be real with yourself without adding any outside pressure.
Ok...think this comment is long enough? :)
Thought I was done, but I guess I'm not. :)
You said that you wrote the post and then almost took it down because you didn't want to seem ungrateful. That is EXACTLY how I felt after I wrote my post...that those who are struggling with primary infertility would think that I had no business feeling the way that I do, and would tell me I was ungrateful.
But what I wrote, I feel. And what you wrote, you feel. And so that is why I think we (myself included!) sometimes have to just get over what everybody else thinks and write for ourselves. And I'm so glad you did.
Oh my! Thank you for letting me into your private little blog, what a time to come in! Got me some hormonal tears for you right now:)
I know exactly how you are feeling... we are facing the daily ups and downs between "what on earth have we got into" and "I just can't wait to meet this little one". Ohhh, how exciting!
I'm with Jackie, you don't sound ungrateful, you sound like you are processing the craziness that is going on inside your head, it's normal.
Hope you're keeping well. If not... well, nothing I say will make it less yuck so I'll just pray for you.
Thankyouthankyouthankyou for letting me share this excitement with you! (she sheds a few more hormonal tears...)
I am so happy for you, I kind of thought I would have 4 but three is where we will stay for! Congratulations.
You put your pee on the internet?
Just kidding - you know I'm thrilled for all of you!
I don't think you sounded ungrateful - just you. I am so very proud of you and your family. I know that you have done all you can and left the rest up to the Person in Charge of us all. Take care of yourselves and each other and remember you are always in our thoughts and prayers. Peter sends his love to all. Until next time. Grandma Margaret & Peter from California.
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